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How to do Dialog

LOVE LETTER (see example below):

  1. The purpose of the love letter is to reach toward an awareness of one another by focusing on each other and sharing our feelings.
  2. It should be written with my spouse foremost in my mind.
  3. Remember I am telling how I feel about something. Focus on my real feelings and describe them in the fullest possible detail for my lover’s sake.
  4. Write honestly, but be loving, tender, and considerate. Make my love letter my personal gift to my beloved. Begin my letter with a loving greeting. Write at least one endearing quality of my spouse. End my letter with loving words.
  5. Spend only 2 or 3 minutes writing my spouse’s endearing quality and answering the question. The rest of the time should be spent describing my feelings in detail.EXCHANGE OUR LOVE LETTERS:
  1. Exchange our letters with tenderness and physical signs of affection. Receive my lover’s notebook eagerly. Be open.
  2. Each of us should read the other’s love letter twice – once for information, once for feelings (once for the head, once for the heart). Read silently.
  3. No comments while exchanging or while reading. Don’t correct grammar or spelling.
  4. Expect to receive not just information but a sense of what my mate is experiencing.DIALOGUE WITH MY SPOUSE:
  1. Our dialogue should be worked at just as intensely as the love letter.
  2. To begin, each spouse tells how I feel after reading your love letter.
  3. Select one strong feeling to share and explore. My lover and I can choose this feeling from any one of 4 sources: from either spouse’s love letter, or from either spouse’s feelings after reading the other’s love letter.
  4. Explore this one feeling fully. Try to feel the other’s feeling and experience the person behind the words.
  5. Ask questions to help my mate describe this feeling more fully. Describe the feeling back to my spouse; ask whether I am getting it; give an opportunity to bring out more of its richness.
  6. The thrust of dialogue should be to reach out to my spouse and experience the feeling he or she is feeling – to identify with, to taste, to experience my beloved.
  7. If any decision is reached, it is not dialogue. Dialogue is not to solve problems. After about 10 minutes of true dialogue on feelings, we may choose to go on to loving discussion, which can include problem-solving if we both want this.


Love Letter Example

(today’s date) Q. What is one way we could become more a

couple and less “married singles”? HDIFAT?

Dearest ____________,

Your most endearing quality today is your affectionate nature. Thank you for the way you greeted me when I arrived home.

I believe one way we could be more a couple and less “married singles” would be ______________.

How do I feel about that? My strongest feeling is _______________.

Write our dialogue question and today’s date at top of page. HDIFAT? = How do I feel about that?

Choose a loving greeting my spouse will enjoy, such as a favorite pet name or words that express my genuine love.

The most endearing quality (MEQ) can be anything – big or little – that I like, love, or appreciate in my spouse, or something he or she said or did. Look for an opportunity to give an honest compliment.

This part of my love letter calls for my thoughts and opinions. Keep this part very brief. Quickly move on to feelings.

Use most of my letter to write my feelings. How do I feel about the question and my answer? How do I feel about sharing this with you? Choose one feeling, describe it in the fullest possible detail, and completely share myself on that one feeling before going on to another feeling. Describe my feelings in ways that will help my spouse feel what I am feeling.

I should honestly share my feelings – happy or unhappy, joyous or painful – but in a loving way so my mate will want to feel my feeling. No garbage dumping!

Thank you for lovingly receiving my feelings. I feel secure and grateful, knowing I can depend on you.

End the letter with an honest, positive, loving statement.

Loving you always, ___________________ (Use personal, affectionate words here.)

This letter is a love sandwich. Honest words of love, affection, and appreciation at the beginning and end of my love letter will help my spouse accept any painful or uncomfortable feelings in the body of my letter.